Nessum Dorma

When Nigel does his ‘Nessum’ on the cornet, Herr Director announces him with pride:
“From the World of World Cup Football – From the World of Turandot…”
Then Derek’s Swanee whistle blows – Offside!

When Nigel does his ‘Nessum’ on the cornet, young ladies faint, revive then throw him flowers.
He pauses, pouts and puts them down his trousers – then puckers up and blows for hours and hours.

When Nigel does his ‘Nessum’ on the cornet, it takes men back in time to Rome.
They recall the tenor trio singing in the Roman baths – Pavarotti and the Spaniard and that other tubby gnome.

When Nigel does his ‘Nessum’ on the comet, the clarinets all chew and suck their reeds. Trombonists slide about and the tenor saxes doubt whether anyone has stolen all their leads.

When Nigel does his ‘Nessum’ on the cornet, the flutes praise God he’s standing out the front They join in the loud applause from Nigel’s Renta-Crowd of course.
When he resumes his seat they merely grunt.

When Nigel does his ‘Nessum’ on the cornet, the charms of fluting get a mite diluted
Paralysis commences; bar lines blur like broken fences and they tend to play again what they’ve just fluted.

When Nigel does his ‘Nessum’ on the cornet, flutes all jettison their earplugs with relief
When he’s not behind their ears they’ve no worries, they’ve no fears – but when Nigel’s just behind they come to grief.

When Nigel does his ‘Nessum’ on the cornet, the Conductor tries to help him all he can.
With his electronic tuner he proves flutes have made a bloomer – so they push and pull – (to where they first began).

When Nigel does his ‘Nessum’ on the cornet, our ‘Cherubino’ fills Mozart with glee; But ‘Fiddling on the Roof’ often earns us a reproof, as that cornet causes flutes to play off-key.

When Nigel does his ‘Nessum’ on the cornet, he attacks with ‘Wellingtons’ our tender ears; His notes ‘Bust’ more ‘Dams’ as he marches, bombs and whams: when he plays ‘Red Square’ we just busk ‘Gondoliers’.

When Nigel does his ‘Nessum’ on the cornet, the woodwind has a chance to concentrate –
On revenge; it has its start in this week’s ‘Exchange & Mart’ – we’re learning bagpipes to retaliate!

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